What does it take to be happy anymore? I don't know. Every day feels worse than the previous. I want to draw but I lack the motivation to. I feel like there's no point to it. Back when I was younger on dA, I would post shitty art. Not intentionally, it was just my lack of skill. I got comments from my watchers and friends, which turned into conversations and were... fun. I felt like there was more of a community and there was satisfaction in talking to my friends. Now it's hard to find community anywhere, least of all here, and nothing about sharing my art seems fun anymore. Often I can still drive myself to draw because I love to do so, but it's all so unfulfilling in the end.
My health has been getting worse, My feet ache and the pituitary adenoma has grown and is fucking with all my hormones. My hair falls out, I've gained weight, and I'm constantly alternating between too depressed to get out of bed and too irritated to talk to my family members without snapping. I can't keep up with dishes and I feel like a failure.
On top of that I can't stop worrying about financial issues. It shouldn't be my problem, but it is because when money gets tight, my stepfather takes it out on my mother for not having a "real" job and I can't stand to watch her take all the heat of it. But what can I do? I barely have the energy to take my sister to school on the bus, much less get a job, and art commissions are few and far between.
if I don't do what's expected of me, if I can't do ANYTHING, I have no real reason to live
I just want to be happy again.
Listening to: Mom's TV show in the living room